building my destiny

Recover from depression

Last seven years were years of sadness and hopelessness in my life. Extreme tough situations and confused mind along with many unfocused decisions  made my life very difficult for me. Time after , time life fell into despair,pain and anguish. No one to help and seemingly unsolvable  problems made it life colorless and sad. Seeing everyone happy and energetic around you along with feeling of losing everything you have worked for whole your life was nerve wrecking experience. Feeling of endless effort to be taken to get out of this tunnel without any vibrancy of life made living worthless. Then, how did i can write about a recovery?

Its just like a dead coming back and telling how could  he have escaped the tragedy , if only he got one more chance!! If i write about it it will be cruelty to others who are not able to pull themselves from this fire pit. Only i can say is that i know what you are undergoing, I Know what it is, I know how it feels , I know how painful it is,I wish i was that  friend , that brother, that sister who you want to be near you , who loves you and would stay with you no matter how screwed up you are.

Live it, Just don’t expect others to understand or try them make understand(even it is your family , who you expect to be supportive,), both are waste of time and energy . Just move on and solve it .

If you want to talk to me just ping me. Be happy . I love you.

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Running away

Sometimes ,to live a good life becomes a sort of challenge in an ordinary human beings lifetime. In my case the challenge was like climbing a steep hill expecting on the the other side a pleasant scenic promised land.But unfortunately i never found one. Journey itself got so tough that ,at some point of time i lost the hope of ever reaching the so called “Happy” life and kind fell into deep despair. Regret of losing whole life in trying to climb such high hill and forgetting to live made me feel like a miser trying hoard money for some unknown future.But , neither i wanted to get back nor i had the energy to keep going and place one step more. Life seemed like an unending loop and infinite at the same time. Pain, anger, anguish, self loathing, name anything that captures the human suffering .zenpostersHelplessness was the only thing that i can feel. However far i think, i couldn’t find my future , however i try to move on, something inside me was dead .That numbness was more painful than anything that i have ever known. It shook my soul to that point that i no longer knew what i am going to do . It never gave me a chance to get my life back to normal. I never thought that i will ever become something like that. I used to wonder at other people going out of touch but never fancied it for myself. But when it came, it came as large storm uprooting my senses and judgement and life along with it.

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Finding happiness

It has been very hard for me to be happy. My family somehow made me sit sad. To sit happily and to be a child like, when i was really a child was made to feel wrong. Happiness produced guilt in me. To smile and laugh in front of my parents was kind of crime. For me to be happy was to loose focus, to be care free was to be complacent was the kind of fear that family instilled in me.

A life of constant fear and inadequacy was part of my being. Constantly yearning for friendliness and company, having an underlying trauma.

Dual life of freedom seeking and silent panicking was constant theme of life.

Recuperating mental illness

Its easy to call out at others difficulty, others inability to overcome silly situations in life. But when the ball is passed on to our own court, the rule of game will wreck our heart and soul , then only the enormity of the task is acknowledged by us. Mental blocks experienced by me was like that. It was easy to point fingers at others, but it destroyed me and my life in a sly way. Overcoming our mental , emotional, relationship al, difficulties are similar to doing a surgery into our heart consciously.Pain is enormous, suffering is enormous, yet surgery needs to be done with out any help. May be surrounded by people who are happy to see us cry in pain , who has little care for us.

Recuperating from such a process is like being in a sedative. Filled with  pain, unbelief,  a sense of loss, anger, helplessness and suffering. The reality being highly unacceptable and unbelievable. Hurt beyond help and support, one cannot see light at the of the tunnel. No amount of struggle will show you the way out. To climb the hill back again is a n unbelievable nightmare.

My life stands at this point… If there is anyone out there… you are not alone…   I am a warrior… If this is it… i am going to fight…. I know you are too…

My parents and My Depression

The very idea of  pointing fingers towards parents for the difficulties in ones life is “explosion” ary. The guilt and shame that comes with it is inexplicable. yet when life kicks you down on your ass, you look up on your family to support and understand you. But when that does not happen, the excruciating anger and betrayal that one feels is un imaginable. Parents, at the core of support system , if fail to even hear , becomes the very cause of your failure. What if they choose to neglect, avoid and belittle , then it becomes a painful memory in your life. Then finding your own core apart from family becomes a necessity. It takes time and a lot of healing.

My take away from period of depression is that as individuals, we might end up as totally different people from parents, which is going to make problems in life , if we don’t  promptly understand it and try to find proper support and emotional balance in life apart from family. In doing so, we should be aware of dangers of un trusty people around us. Take time and have patience to build proper personality framework to help and support for ones own life.

Study about ones own needs and give yourself time needed to learn ways to manage life.





Book – 1 – War and peace

Book – War & Peace

I am currently reading this book for second time. Just like anna karenina , tolstoy touches the subtleties of human character , shows how it is formed and transformed over the time. It is a masterpiece as everyone knows, but what it taught me was the inability and impotence of human beings to understand and control one’s own character. The inability of the characters in the story, to drive themselves to better selves and their submission to the circumstances and unknown innate fears helps to draw an equity in human experience across the people in different class of society and living in different circumstances. This book can be described as  journey of different people who are seemingly connected with each other and are so “living under one roof of society” , who are like any common people who we see in our day to day lives. It’s like a painting of a calm sea with strong undercurrents, it helps us to understand the human mind. This book in someway helped me to understand how people are and why they are, for who they are.It helps to judge people less  and helps to imagine the story behind everyone’s calm ulterior. It connects our own journey in our life and gives us all kind of consolation that everyone of us are worth as everyone else among us and vice versa . It helps to see life much above what you are possessing, and to measure it with the happiness we experienced and joy we were gifted with, which according to tolstoy is equal for everybody irrespective of where you are born. War and peace is not a story of military engagement , but of human spirit to live a fulfilling life.

I would like to write a series of blog on the books I have read. I was not attracted by the idea of reading books in my school days, presuming it as a waste of time.I started reading after my graduation , while starting to do my first job. From then I haven’t stopped reading. I always had at least one book in my backpacking wherever I go.

I would like to share my experiences with each book i read and how it influenced me and it transformed me as a person.

Learning to be happy, the hardway

One of the first memories that I have in my life is of a family tragedy. Standing alone in front of an ancestral home seeing my father lying in veranda after being hit by his brother. Still vivid in my memory . After that we moved to a nearby  new house of grandfather  . I remember that only half of the house was open to us. One room in the front always remained locked. We lived in other rooms. These incidents make my childhood memories .
I had formed my mind that when in trouble you stand alone. No matter what the relationships you have with others , they have their limits. Since then I didn’t trust anybody or wanted to make friends with anybody. All those whom I liked, somehow never reciprocated in the same way , so I remained friendless in my school years.
I choose it, because I knew I cannot afford to be like other children. I choose my family all the time above my own instincts. But somewhere my family lost touch with me. All the pain I was under going was not being acknowledged by them,I believed. Still I always thought that they are also going through tough times.
It was difficult for me. But I took it as my duty towards my family.
Childhood is a time when we are bound by our family, but by teenage years we kind of need a company. Need to have someone to talk to.
I then understood my pathetic position. Whole my life I didn’t care about making friends and making company , but now I felt alone. I couldn’t find anyone  who likes me and approaches me as a friend, its not their mistake but mine. I always took a safe distance from everybody, for I afraid I will fall in bad company. Always in guard.
After getting in to college for graduation I tried to make friends, I stopped believing in taking guard against people. I thought that keeping myself like that is the reason why I am not a friend material . So I started to accept bullshit from other people , still not trying to react or go away because I couldn’t I understand whether I am right or they are right. Is it something that goes on between friends , I didn’t know. But I never took a chance and always tried to be nice to others and I didn’t know the other way. The other way I knew was go walk away , that clearly was not an option.
I fell into a bad company, not in the sense a ‘Bad’ people. But bad friends. People who should have been kept at a distance became my constant  companions. I expected them to be nice and understanding towards me , but none was maintained by them. Nonetheless still I always kept them as ‘friends’. 

I felt a lot of pain and anguish going on inside me for not being reciprocated in the same way to maintain the relationship , but I never tried to brake it. Because I felt very alone inside me. They were the only guys who used to call me. No one else felt like wanted to maintain the relationship with me. Me being an introvert and being highly anxious and worry some , people never wanted to stay with me, I guess , which is OK , even if I am in their place i would have done that. But being me, it was tough and painful.

These guys who were with me was not only draining my energy, but also ridiculed me for being what I am .But I could not understand at that time because I didn’t know what to say, how to handle, but to expect myself to adjust. If not only way I knew was to not give a bullshit about these people and walk away minding my own business. But I had walked too far like that. I wanted company , but couldn’t find one.
These people were the only chance I thought. But things got worse, these guys became like cancer in my mind. I kind of fell into depression and begin to loss focus in studies and day to day activities. I could not make myself do anything good for myself as these guys were making me miserable.
What can I say, its like why I hold on these guys I don’t know but it was crazy.
Thinking about leaving them itself made me sick in my mind , I kind of felt like a selfish person. I felt like I am leaving my friends for my own personal success. I could not focus on myself and studies. Even when I got a job same thing continued. I couldn’t talk myself out of it. It was like an immense amount of guilt built inside me. Constantly thinking about these people. What if I leave them? What will people think ? Am I being selfish, un reliable , un friendly etc etc. Totally felt alone and being used. Still not able to walk out. My parents were also not concerned about my emotional state. I aged at least 10 years in those four years of graduation, fully drained out and burned out emotionally and physically. Luckily I never had any bad habits to manage the pressure and awful pain it created . Honestly I used masturbate awful lot of times, as after that I used to go in a state of delirium or ecstatic state where I got some kind of relief from awful state i was in.  I hated to do it , and even when I felt that it is damaging my health and focus and well-being I couldn’t make myself stop it.
Life was miserable and lonely. Still held onto it somehow. Now I am writing all these ordeal to dump off my stuff in public and experience  nervous relief that it gives.
I have moved on and learned, evolved and is living much more happy life. Still have to travel a lot but I have hope in my own ability to do it.

Take care…to all…

always be happy.. I love you

Breaking away from the taboo.


Society has its structure made up to maintain a mode of civility in the world. But what if these structures are so rigid that no progress can be made without breaking them. Then it requires a lot of strength to do so. An ordinary person will have to raise himself against all odds to fight the injustice done to him by so called safe social structure. It needs a lot of courage , it needs a lot of conviction for he himself may not have the solutions.
Yet he have to take the leap , for he desperately wants to escape his miserable life.
So said I hate my parents for they were like bullies in my life. I don’t remember when I laughed before or happy before in my life. I used to be so dull , so shy , but I know now that it is all due to the neglect and pettiness they showed to me.
I used to feel immense anger and anguish and act accordingly but I know now by doing that I only ruined my life, nothing less. I sometimes feel that they derive happiness in my weakness and enjoy my pain.
Even unknown persons were sympathetic to me and talked nicely to me seeing myself always depressed and in pain but not my parents they just didn’t even minded to ask.
Now I have lost my job , future seems dark. I have only one thing to say I feel betrayed and lonely but I will fight on ….because I did all my life…I fought for my family for I loved them . but now I want to live for myself. Happy ever after…

always be happy.. I love you

What if I say life is like a cup of noodles!


I visualise life as cup of noodles or as a earphone cable, no one has any idea how it gets beautifully entangled. Just imagine eating a cup of noodles with a set of chop sticks sitting a wayside bench enjoying setting sun. Do we get frustrated about how this noodles are so messed up ,no right?. I always wish what if I can enjoy life like that. Everyone says and we know that life doesn’t always go in a straight line, but it is difficult to digest when we fall into messed up situation, entangled by our emotions, circumstances, relations and  so on and so forth.
When life hits us  hard when we are of guard, we fall into this ‘cup of noodles’ of life. Feeling totally helpless to digest what is going on and desperately trying to get out of it.
When we stare into total blankness  not knowing anything with a numbness in the conscience and a death beat in the heart,   we contemplate about what death really means to us.
We know that we have died inside us.
Real death will never show us what our non existence means, but death of judgement and conscience will show us what is our real value in the world.
As it will take away everything around you and all you can do is stare at it like an impotent man.

No wealth  , no relations will stand by you when you are a dead man.

Conscience is what keeps us going. That is what helps a soldier take up a gun and march towards his death. He dies but he dies only once. But those who walk away dies many death as he is dead inside and he will never find a life as he will not find his conscience.

Life is a struggle , there are no winners or losers, only choices…choosing to fight for ones conscience makes all of our efforts equal before the God.
So don’t end up measuring life with wins and loses that one have but how honestly one tried ….

God bless us all.

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