building my destiny


August 2015

My Little thoughts on Mental Prostitution

mental prostitution

Being afraid all the time about future and everything around me has been very energy depleting thing about me.Trying hard to make everyone accept me  and behave nice to me has been the main task of mine in my life.Constant worry of needing to be helped and to be cared and loved makes me emotionally very weak socially.Reasons of which doesn’t mean anything to me as the pain that i carried in my back all through my childhood and teenage years is far more that it cannot be made go with any explanations for the pain.I do not want to talk about the reasons but i want to talk about the solutions that i knew is going to get me out of the situation.

Many of the solutions which i stumble upon ultimately makes me feel that i am going to be more lonely and unaccepted and become a failure.This makes it more difficult to follow through these solutions. Plus, there are people around me who are  going to demotivate me and make me feel little and be happy about it , these are my own parenrts and siblings. Fighting them is almost impossible as it seems and makes life more difficult.

I would call it as mental prostitution. It is like selling yourself at every moment of life to people who are not at all caring about your wellbeing.People who act as if they are in charge of my life yet smash my soul everytime.

I dont know about the source of strength that is needed to fight these things , but it is difficult and soul wrecking…


How to surf through an unending sea of depression


Given my experience as a depressed introvert for almost every moment of my life.I have learned to surf in these very difficult times almost alone. Fortunately or unfortunately i didn’t have anyone around me who understood my pain or anguish.It was a difficult time . To remember   those times itself is a pain staking experience.Given that i have learned a lot from my own mistakes. I learned these things at a heavy price. I would like to share some important points that i think will help someone who is also going through the same.(Note – i don’t know you,but neither you know yourself at this point of time if you are depressed )

Over a long period of time I believed in these ideas about living a life. I always felt at different point of time that these are all true and experienced it as facts .

1. Belief – My problem is my problem – No one can relate to it or even if one can,  i don’t want to be like them, i want a different solution.

Fact – Its true , but,You will find people with similar problems around you or can find their shared experiences in web. You will get bits and pieces to understand your problem from these.

2.Belief – I may not be able to solve the problem as i have tried a million times and failed. i am stuck here, which i hate.

Fact – It may be true, but you are in a jail of only one stream of finding happiness and success in life. Find other things that matter to you and focus on that. Accept failure but know that it is in one of the many things that matters.

3.Belief – I am in a wrong place . I don’t belong here.i can’t Relate with anyone of them

Fact – May be, but do you have a choice??Sometimes we end up in wrong places due to our decisions or other reasons. But don’t measure life with same tool always. Different times need different tools of perceiving life.

4.I can’t find the switch inside myself which controls my ambitions. So i prefer to be let alone

5.Belief – At difficult times no one can be trusted. You are your own. So keep a guard always.

Fact – True, but you are not God. Accept the laws of nature and built people around you who you can trust and who are loyal to you. For others just play the game

6.Belief – I am defined by my success. And I am not sure of my own abilities to reach the success that I show off in the society. Hence always in a terror of finding out this by others.

Fact – When success comes to you , beware its not for everyone to share. It’s only to be shared with those who you were loyal to you. When we expect others to celebrate our success its foolishness as they are only looking for your experience, for them you are as good as any use and throw pen. Know that.

to be continued……

My stint with depression


Ten years flown by like a bad dream or like lying in a hospital after a serious road accident , that’s how I feel like about those years of depression, unbelievable!! Just unbelievable . First thing that pops up in the mind is the feeling of guilt about wasting the time .Times which  could have been used for making life good, but lost in the whirlwind of great agony and pain and self loathing. It’s difficult to come in terms with the the loss of ones life time when the cause of it is oneself and oneself only. The time stops when we are not again motivated to travel through the time and is much focused on the present and feels impotent to control it and pain that one feels of knowing that ones future and present is at jeopardy,yet is only able to stand and stare at it in indifferent numbness. It’s the feeling of pain, and a great sense of loneliness and disconnect and demotivation to fight on in life that makes it difficult to wake up every morning . Time and time is the only cure and good relations which will stand by you and understand you is the only cure . No explanation will ever be sufficient to fully express ones feeling through this period.Only way is to do what you like and pave your own way out of it.It is a lonely journey but sometimes there is no choice . It’s a journey of our mind through the time to get out of its own shackles…

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