Being afraid all the time about future and everything around me has been very energy depleting thing about me.Trying hard to make everyone accept me and behave nice to me has been the main task of mine in my life.Constant worry of needing to be helped and to be cared and loved makes me emotionally very weak socially.Reasons of which doesn’t mean anything to me as the pain that i carried in my back all through my childhood and teenage years is far more that it cannot be made go with any explanations for the pain.I do not want to talk about the reasons but i want to talk about the solutions that i knew is going to get me out of the situation.
Many of the solutions which i stumble upon ultimately makes me feel that i am going to be more lonely and unaccepted and become a failure.This makes it more difficult to follow through these solutions. Plus, there are people around me who are going to demotivate me and make me feel little and be happy about it , these are my own parenrts and siblings. Fighting them is almost impossible as it seems and makes life more difficult.
I would call it as mental prostitution. It is like selling yourself at every moment of life to people who are not at all caring about your wellbeing.People who act as if they are in charge of my life yet smash my soul everytime.
I dont know about the source of strength that is needed to fight these things , but it is difficult and soul wrecking…