building my destiny


September 2015

Book – 1 – War and peace

Book – War & Peace

I am currently reading this book for second time. Just like anna karenina , tolstoy touches the subtleties of human character , shows how it is formed and transformed over the time. It is a masterpiece as everyone knows, but what it taught me was the inability and impotence of human beings to understand and control one’s own character. The inability of the characters in the story, to drive themselves to better selves and their submission to the circumstances and unknown innate fears helps to draw an equity in human experience across the people in different class of society and living in different circumstances. This book can be described as  journey of different people who are seemingly connected with each other and are so “living under one roof of society” , who are like any common people who we see in our day to day lives. It’s like a painting of a calm sea with strong undercurrents, it helps us to understand the human mind. This book in someway helped me to understand how people are and why they are, for who they are.It helps to judge people less  and helps to imagine the story behind everyone’s calm ulterior. It connects our own journey in our life and gives us all kind of consolation that everyone of us are worth as everyone else among us and vice versa . It helps to see life much above what you are possessing, and to measure it with the happiness we experienced and joy we were gifted with, which according to tolstoy is equal for everybody irrespective of where you are born. War and peace is not a story of military engagement , but of human spirit to live a fulfilling life.

I would like to write a series of blog on the books I have read. I was not attracted by the idea of reading books in my school days, presuming it as a waste of time.I started reading after my graduation , while starting to do my first job. From then I haven’t stopped reading. I always had at least one book in my backpacking wherever I go.

I would like to share my experiences with each book i read and how it influenced me and it transformed me as a person.


Learning to be happy, the hardway

One of the first memories that I have in my life is of a family tragedy. Standing alone in front of an ancestral home seeing my father lying in veranda after being hit by his brother. Still vivid in my memory . After that we moved to a nearby  new house of grandfather  . I remember that only half of the house was open to us. One room in the front always remained locked. We lived in other rooms. These incidents make my childhood memories .
I had formed my mind that when in trouble you stand alone. No matter what the relationships you have with others , they have their limits. Since then I didn’t trust anybody or wanted to make friends with anybody. All those whom I liked, somehow never reciprocated in the same way , so I remained friendless in my school years.
I choose it, because I knew I cannot afford to be like other children. I choose my family all the time above my own instincts. But somewhere my family lost touch with me. All the pain I was under going was not being acknowledged by them,I believed. Still I always thought that they are also going through tough times.
It was difficult for me. But I took it as my duty towards my family.
Childhood is a time when we are bound by our family, but by teenage years we kind of need a company. Need to have someone to talk to.
I then understood my pathetic position. Whole my life I didn’t care about making friends and making company , but now I felt alone. I couldn’t find anyone  who likes me and approaches me as a friend, its not their mistake but mine. I always took a safe distance from everybody, for I afraid I will fall in bad company. Always in guard.
After getting in to college for graduation I tried to make friends, I stopped believing in taking guard against people. I thought that keeping myself like that is the reason why I am not a friend material . So I started to accept bullshit from other people , still not trying to react or go away because I couldn’t I understand whether I am right or they are right. Is it something that goes on between friends , I didn’t know. But I never took a chance and always tried to be nice to others and I didn’t know the other way. The other way I knew was go walk away , that clearly was not an option.
I fell into a bad company, not in the sense a ‘Bad’ people. But bad friends. People who should have been kept at a distance became my constant  companions. I expected them to be nice and understanding towards me , but none was maintained by them. Nonetheless still I always kept them as ‘friends’. 

I felt a lot of pain and anguish going on inside me for not being reciprocated in the same way to maintain the relationship , but I never tried to brake it. Because I felt very alone inside me. They were the only guys who used to call me. No one else felt like wanted to maintain the relationship with me. Me being an introvert and being highly anxious and worry some , people never wanted to stay with me, I guess , which is OK , even if I am in their place i would have done that. But being me, it was tough and painful.

These guys who were with me was not only draining my energy, but also ridiculed me for being what I am .But I could not understand at that time because I didn’t know what to say, how to handle, but to expect myself to adjust. If not only way I knew was to not give a bullshit about these people and walk away minding my own business. But I had walked too far like that. I wanted company , but couldn’t find one.
These people were the only chance I thought. But things got worse, these guys became like cancer in my mind. I kind of fell into depression and begin to loss focus in studies and day to day activities. I could not make myself do anything good for myself as these guys were making me miserable.
What can I say, its like why I hold on these guys I don’t know but it was crazy.
Thinking about leaving them itself made me sick in my mind , I kind of felt like a selfish person. I felt like I am leaving my friends for my own personal success. I could not focus on myself and studies. Even when I got a job same thing continued. I couldn’t talk myself out of it. It was like an immense amount of guilt built inside me. Constantly thinking about these people. What if I leave them? What will people think ? Am I being selfish, un reliable , un friendly etc etc. Totally felt alone and being used. Still not able to walk out. My parents were also not concerned about my emotional state. I aged at least 10 years in those four years of graduation, fully drained out and burned out emotionally and physically. Luckily I never had any bad habits to manage the pressure and awful pain it created . Honestly I used masturbate awful lot of times, as after that I used to go in a state of delirium or ecstatic state where I got some kind of relief from awful state i was in.  I hated to do it , and even when I felt that it is damaging my health and focus and well-being I couldn’t make myself stop it.
Life was miserable and lonely. Still held onto it somehow. Now I am writing all these ordeal to dump off my stuff in public and experience  nervous relief that it gives.
I have moved on and learned, evolved and is living much more happy life. Still have to travel a lot but I have hope in my own ability to do it.

Take care…to all…

always be happy.. I love you

Breaking away from the taboo.


Society has its structure made up to maintain a mode of civility in the world. But what if these structures are so rigid that no progress can be made without breaking them. Then it requires a lot of strength to do so. An ordinary person will have to raise himself against all odds to fight the injustice done to him by so called safe social structure. It needs a lot of courage , it needs a lot of conviction for he himself may not have the solutions.
Yet he have to take the leap , for he desperately wants to escape his miserable life.
So said I hate my parents for they were like bullies in my life. I don’t remember when I laughed before or happy before in my life. I used to be so dull , so shy , but I know now that it is all due to the neglect and pettiness they showed to me.
I used to feel immense anger and anguish and act accordingly but I know now by doing that I only ruined my life, nothing less. I sometimes feel that they derive happiness in my weakness and enjoy my pain.
Even unknown persons were sympathetic to me and talked nicely to me seeing myself always depressed and in pain but not my parents they just didn’t even minded to ask.
Now I have lost my job , future seems dark. I have only one thing to say I feel betrayed and lonely but I will fight on ….because I did all my life…I fought for my family for I loved them . but now I want to live for myself. Happy ever after…

always be happy.. I love you

What if I say life is like a cup of noodles!


I visualise life as cup of noodles or as a earphone cable, no one has any idea how it gets beautifully entangled. Just imagine eating a cup of noodles with a set of chop sticks sitting a wayside bench enjoying setting sun. Do we get frustrated about how this noodles are so messed up ,no right?. I always wish what if I can enjoy life like that. Everyone says and we know that life doesn’t always go in a straight line, but it is difficult to digest when we fall into messed up situation, entangled by our emotions, circumstances, relations and  so on and so forth.
When life hits us  hard when we are of guard, we fall into this ‘cup of noodles’ of life. Feeling totally helpless to digest what is going on and desperately trying to get out of it.
When we stare into total blankness  not knowing anything with a numbness in the conscience and a death beat in the heart,   we contemplate about what death really means to us.
We know that we have died inside us.
Real death will never show us what our non existence means, but death of judgement and conscience will show us what is our real value in the world.
As it will take away everything around you and all you can do is stare at it like an impotent man.

No wealth  , no relations will stand by you when you are a dead man.

Conscience is what keeps us going. That is what helps a soldier take up a gun and march towards his death. He dies but he dies only once. But those who walk away dies many death as he is dead inside and he will never find a life as he will not find his conscience.

Life is a struggle , there are no winners or losers, only choices…choosing to fight for ones conscience makes all of our efforts equal before the God.
So don’t end up measuring life with wins and loses that one have but how honestly one tried ….

God bless us all.

So called ‘friends’

Knowing where to get attached to and to understand what kind of people is to be kept near defines our quality of life. Good company enlightens us and bad company drag us down without mercy. It is difficult to choose people and make  borders as everyone is needed in life at one point or other. But this skill defines our success and the learning curve we are going to be in.
According to me intelligence is measured by the skill of detachment , viz the skill for calmly observing and taking decisions to evolve oneself according to the situation. Neglecting the bad ones is not a perfect choice. But finding a way to handle the bad guys always gives us a better connection. In my experience the good ones may not be there  at our bad times, they may be dying for their own success that they may not even have the guts to handle others problems and failures , sometimes they might be repugnant about the same.
So who is to be held near and who to be held at a safe distance???
I feel it depends upon the level of trust one feels about other person , it not only depends on interactions between yourself s but one should be smart enough to observe how other person is treating different people , this will help you to decide whether to trust this guy or not.

Other thing is loyalty . when you are in a trouble however  small it is , see how the person treats you . if he really cares for you, he or she will be patient enough to spent quality time with you and make you feel better. And will share your sadness and share his or her shoulder to weep it out. Remember “however small it is” be cause they care for you and want you to be happy . If it means something to u , it is all that is needed for him or her. But the other guys just will belittle you for being concerned about such a small problem , as per his or her opinion. Wait for it you will be ditched in near future because the other person is looking  for your experience s and not your company. He will learn and use you and go off shrugging .

Choose whom to be around with, don’t waste energy on those who you cannot trust and are not loyal to you.

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