One of the first memories that I have in my life is of a family tragedy. Standing alone in front of an ancestral home seeing my father lying in veranda after being hit by his brother. Still vivid in my memory . After that we moved to a nearby new house of grandfather . I remember that only half of the house was open to us. One room in the front always remained locked. We lived in other rooms. These incidents make my childhood memories .
I had formed my mind that when in trouble you stand alone. No matter what the relationships you have with others , they have their limits. Since then I didn’t trust anybody or wanted to make friends with anybody. All those whom I liked, somehow never reciprocated in the same way , so I remained friendless in my school years.
I choose it, because I knew I cannot afford to be like other children. I choose my family all the time above my own instincts. But somewhere my family lost touch with me. All the pain I was under going was not being acknowledged by them,I believed. Still I always thought that they are also going through tough times.
It was difficult for me. But I took it as my duty towards my family.
Childhood is a time when we are bound by our family, but by teenage years we kind of need a company. Need to have someone to talk to.
I then understood my pathetic position. Whole my life I didn’t care about making friends and making company , but now I felt alone. I couldn’t find anyone who likes me and approaches me as a friend, its not their mistake but mine. I always took a safe distance from everybody, for I afraid I will fall in bad company. Always in guard.
After getting in to college for graduation I tried to make friends, I stopped believing in taking guard against people. I thought that keeping myself like that is the reason why I am not a friend material . So I started to accept bullshit from other people , still not trying to react or go away because I couldn’t I understand whether I am right or they are right. Is it something that goes on between friends , I didn’t know. But I never took a chance and always tried to be nice to others and I didn’t know the other way. The other way I knew was go walk away , that clearly was not an option.
I fell into a bad company, not in the sense a ‘Bad’ people. But bad friends. People who should have been kept at a distance became my constant companions. I expected them to be nice and understanding towards me , but none was maintained by them. Nonetheless still I always kept them as ‘friends’.
I felt a lot of pain and anguish going on inside me for not being reciprocated in the same way to maintain the relationship , but I never tried to brake it. Because I felt very alone inside me. They were the only guys who used to call me. No one else felt like wanted to maintain the relationship with me. Me being an introvert and being highly anxious and worry some , people never wanted to stay with me, I guess , which is OK , even if I am in their place i would have done that. But being me, it was tough and painful.
These guys who were with me was not only draining my energy, but also ridiculed me for being what I am .But I could not understand at that time because I didn’t know what to say, how to handle, but to expect myself to adjust. If not only way I knew was to not give a bullshit about these people and walk away minding my own business. But I had walked too far like that. I wanted company , but couldn’t find one.
These people were the only chance I thought. But things got worse, these guys became like cancer in my mind. I kind of fell into depression and begin to loss focus in studies and day to day activities. I could not make myself do anything good for myself as these guys were making me miserable.
What can I say, its like why I hold on these guys I don’t know but it was crazy.
Thinking about leaving them itself made me sick in my mind , I kind of felt like a selfish person. I felt like I am leaving my friends for my own personal success. I could not focus on myself and studies. Even when I got a job same thing continued. I couldn’t talk myself out of it. It was like an immense amount of guilt built inside me. Constantly thinking about these people. What if I leave them? What will people think ? Am I being selfish, un reliable , un friendly etc etc. Totally felt alone and being used. Still not able to walk out. My parents were also not concerned about my emotional state. I aged at least 10 years in those four years of graduation, fully drained out and burned out emotionally and physically. Luckily I never had any bad habits to manage the pressure and awful pain it created . Honestly I used masturbate awful lot of times, as after that I used to go in a state of delirium or ecstatic state where I got some kind of relief from awful state i was in. I hated to do it , and even when I felt that it is damaging my health and focus and well-being I couldn’t make myself stop it.
Life was miserable and lonely. Still held onto it somehow. Now I am writing all these ordeal to dump off my stuff in public and experience nervous relief that it gives.
I have moved on and learned, evolved and is living much more happy life. Still have to travel a lot but I have hope in my own ability to do it.
Take care…to all…
always be happy.. I love you