It has been very hard for me to be happy. My family somehow made me sit sad. To sit happily and to be a child like, when i was really a child was made to feel wrong. Happiness produced guilt in me. To smile and laugh in front of my parents was kind of crime. For me to be happy was to loose focus, to be care free was to be complacent was the kind of fear that family instilled in me.
A life of constant fear and inadequacy was part of my being. Constantly yearning for friendliness and company, having an underlying trauma.
Dual life of freedom seeking and silent panicking was constant theme of life.