building my destiny



Recover from depression

Last seven years were years of sadness and hopelessness in my life. Extreme tough situations and confused mind along with many unfocused decisions  made my life very difficult for me. Time after , time life fell into despair,pain and anguish. No one to help and seemingly unsolvable  problems made it life colorless and sad. Seeing everyone happy and energetic around you along with feeling of losing everything you have worked for whole your life was nerve wrecking experience. Feeling of endless effort to be taken to get out of this tunnel without any vibrancy of life made living worthless. Then, how did i can write about a recovery?

Its just like a dead coming back and telling how could  he have escaped the tragedy , if only he got one more chance!! If i write about it it will be cruelty to others who are not able to pull themselves from this fire pit. Only i can say is that i know what you are undergoing, I Know what it is, I know how it feels , I know how painful it is,I wish i was that  friend , that brother, that sister who you want to be near you , who loves you and would stay with you no matter how screwed up you are.

Live it, Just don’t expect others to understand or try them make understand(even it is your family , who you expect to be supportive,), both are waste of time and energy . Just move on and solve it .

If you want to talk to me just ping me. Be happy . I love you.

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Learning to be happy, the hardway

One of the first memories that I have in my life is of a family tragedy. Standing alone in front of an ancestral home seeing my father lying in veranda after being hit by his brother. Still vivid in my memory . After that we moved to a nearby  new house of grandfather  . I remember that only half of the house was open to us. One room in the front always remained locked. We lived in other rooms. These incidents make my childhood memories .
I had formed my mind that when in trouble you stand alone. No matter what the relationships you have with others , they have their limits. Since then I didn’t trust anybody or wanted to make friends with anybody. All those whom I liked, somehow never reciprocated in the same way , so I remained friendless in my school years.
I choose it, because I knew I cannot afford to be like other children. I choose my family all the time above my own instincts. But somewhere my family lost touch with me. All the pain I was under going was not being acknowledged by them,I believed. Still I always thought that they are also going through tough times.
It was difficult for me. But I took it as my duty towards my family.
Childhood is a time when we are bound by our family, but by teenage years we kind of need a company. Need to have someone to talk to.
I then understood my pathetic position. Whole my life I didn’t care about making friends and making company , but now I felt alone. I couldn’t find anyone  who likes me and approaches me as a friend, its not their mistake but mine. I always took a safe distance from everybody, for I afraid I will fall in bad company. Always in guard.
After getting in to college for graduation I tried to make friends, I stopped believing in taking guard against people. I thought that keeping myself like that is the reason why I am not a friend material . So I started to accept bullshit from other people , still not trying to react or go away because I couldn’t I understand whether I am right or they are right. Is it something that goes on between friends , I didn’t know. But I never took a chance and always tried to be nice to others and I didn’t know the other way. The other way I knew was go walk away , that clearly was not an option.
I fell into a bad company, not in the sense a ‘Bad’ people. But bad friends. People who should have been kept at a distance became my constant  companions. I expected them to be nice and understanding towards me , but none was maintained by them. Nonetheless still I always kept them as ‘friends’. 

I felt a lot of pain and anguish going on inside me for not being reciprocated in the same way to maintain the relationship , but I never tried to brake it. Because I felt very alone inside me. They were the only guys who used to call me. No one else felt like wanted to maintain the relationship with me. Me being an introvert and being highly anxious and worry some , people never wanted to stay with me, I guess , which is OK , even if I am in their place i would have done that. But being me, it was tough and painful.

These guys who were with me was not only draining my energy, but also ridiculed me for being what I am .But I could not understand at that time because I didn’t know what to say, how to handle, but to expect myself to adjust. If not only way I knew was to not give a bullshit about these people and walk away minding my own business. But I had walked too far like that. I wanted company , but couldn’t find one.
These people were the only chance I thought. But things got worse, these guys became like cancer in my mind. I kind of fell into depression and begin to loss focus in studies and day to day activities. I could not make myself do anything good for myself as these guys were making me miserable.
What can I say, its like why I hold on these guys I don’t know but it was crazy.
Thinking about leaving them itself made me sick in my mind , I kind of felt like a selfish person. I felt like I am leaving my friends for my own personal success. I could not focus on myself and studies. Even when I got a job same thing continued. I couldn’t talk myself out of it. It was like an immense amount of guilt built inside me. Constantly thinking about these people. What if I leave them? What will people think ? Am I being selfish, un reliable , un friendly etc etc. Totally felt alone and being used. Still not able to walk out. My parents were also not concerned about my emotional state. I aged at least 10 years in those four years of graduation, fully drained out and burned out emotionally and physically. Luckily I never had any bad habits to manage the pressure and awful pain it created . Honestly I used masturbate awful lot of times, as after that I used to go in a state of delirium or ecstatic state where I got some kind of relief from awful state i was in.  I hated to do it , and even when I felt that it is damaging my health and focus and well-being I couldn’t make myself stop it.
Life was miserable and lonely. Still held onto it somehow. Now I am writing all these ordeal to dump off my stuff in public and experience  nervous relief that it gives.
I have moved on and learned, evolved and is living much more happy life. Still have to travel a lot but I have hope in my own ability to do it.

Take care…to all…

always be happy.. I love you

So called ‘friends’

Knowing where to get attached to and to understand what kind of people is to be kept near defines our quality of life. Good company enlightens us and bad company drag us down without mercy. It is difficult to choose people and make  borders as everyone is needed in life at one point or other. But this skill defines our success and the learning curve we are going to be in.
According to me intelligence is measured by the skill of detachment , viz the skill for calmly observing and taking decisions to evolve oneself according to the situation. Neglecting the bad ones is not a perfect choice. But finding a way to handle the bad guys always gives us a better connection. In my experience the good ones may not be there  at our bad times, they may be dying for their own success that they may not even have the guts to handle others problems and failures , sometimes they might be repugnant about the same.
So who is to be held near and who to be held at a safe distance???
I feel it depends upon the level of trust one feels about other person , it not only depends on interactions between yourself s but one should be smart enough to observe how other person is treating different people , this will help you to decide whether to trust this guy or not.

Other thing is loyalty . when you are in a trouble however  small it is , see how the person treats you . if he really cares for you, he or she will be patient enough to spent quality time with you and make you feel better. And will share your sadness and share his or her shoulder to weep it out. Remember “however small it is” be cause they care for you and want you to be happy . If it means something to u , it is all that is needed for him or her. But the other guys just will belittle you for being concerned about such a small problem , as per his or her opinion. Wait for it you will be ditched in near future because the other person is looking  for your experience s and not your company. He will learn and use you and go off shrugging .

Choose whom to be around with, don’t waste energy on those who you cannot trust and are not loyal to you.

My Little thoughts on Mental Prostitution

mental prostitution

Being afraid all the time about future and everything around me has been very energy depleting thing about me.Trying hard to make everyone accept me  and behave nice to me has been the main task of mine in my life.Constant worry of needing to be helped and to be cared and loved makes me emotionally very weak socially.Reasons of which doesn’t mean anything to me as the pain that i carried in my back all through my childhood and teenage years is far more that it cannot be made go with any explanations for the pain.I do not want to talk about the reasons but i want to talk about the solutions that i knew is going to get me out of the situation.

Many of the solutions which i stumble upon ultimately makes me feel that i am going to be more lonely and unaccepted and become a failure.This makes it more difficult to follow through these solutions. Plus, there are people around me who are  going to demotivate me and make me feel little and be happy about it , these are my own parenrts and siblings. Fighting them is almost impossible as it seems and makes life more difficult.

I would call it as mental prostitution. It is like selling yourself at every moment of life to people who are not at all caring about your wellbeing.People who act as if they are in charge of my life yet smash my soul everytime.

I dont know about the source of strength that is needed to fight these things , but it is difficult and soul wrecking…

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