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Finding happiness

It has been very hard for me to be happy. My family somehow made me sit sad. To sit happily and to be a child like, when i was really a child was made to feel wrong. Happiness produced guilt in me. To smile and laugh in front of my parents was kind of crime. For me to be happy was to loose focus, to be care free was to be complacent was the kind of fear that family instilled in me.

A life of constant fear and inadequacy was part of my being. Constantly yearning for friendliness and company, having an underlying trauma.

Dual life of freedom seeking and silent panicking was constant theme of life.

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Recuperating mental illness

Its easy to call out at others difficulty, others inability to overcome silly situations in life. But when the ball is passed on to our own court, the rule of game will wreck our heart and soul , then only the enormity of the task is acknowledged by us. Mental blocks experienced by me was like that. It was easy to point fingers at others, but it destroyed me and my life in a sly way. Overcoming our mental , emotional, relationship al, difficulties are similar to doing a surgery into our heart consciously.Pain is enormous, suffering is enormous, yet surgery needs to be done with out any help. May be surrounded by people who are happy to see us cry in pain , who has little care for us.

Recuperating from such a process is like being in a sedative. Filled with  pain, unbelief,  a sense of loss, anger, helplessness and suffering. The reality being highly unacceptable and unbelievable. Hurt beyond help and support, one cannot see light at the of the tunnel. No amount of struggle will show you the way out. To climb the hill back again is a n unbelievable nightmare.

My life stands at this point… If there is anyone out there… you are not alone…   I am a warrior… If this is it… i am going to fight…. I know you are too…

My parents and My Depression

The very idea of  pointing fingers towards parents for the difficulties in ones life is “explosion” ary. The guilt and shame that comes with it is inexplicable. yet when life kicks you down on your ass, you look up on your family to support and understand you. But when that does not happen, the excruciating anger and betrayal that one feels is un imaginable. Parents, at the core of support system , if fail to even hear , becomes the very cause of your failure. What if they choose to neglect, avoid and belittle , then it becomes a painful memory in your life. Then finding your own core apart from family becomes a necessity. It takes time and a lot of healing.

My take away from period of depression is that as individuals, we might end up as totally different people from parents, which is going to make problems in life , if we don’t  promptly understand it and try to find proper support and emotional balance in life apart from family. In doing so, we should be aware of dangers of un trusty people around us. Take time and have patience to build proper personality framework to help and support for ones own life.

Study about ones own needs and give yourself time needed to learn ways to manage life.

 

 

 

 

Running away

Sometimes ,to live a good life becomes a sort of challenge in an ordinary human beings lifetime. In my case the challenge was like climbing a steep hill expecting on the the other side a pleasant scenic promised land.But unfortunately i never found one. Journey itself got so tough that ,at some point of time i lost the hope of ever reaching the so called “Happy” life and kind fell into deep despair. Regret of losing whole life in trying to climb such high hill and forgetting to live made me feel like a miser trying hoard money for some unknown future.But , neither i wanted to get back nor i had the energy to keep going and place one step more. Life seemed like an unending loop and infinite at the same time. Pain, anger, anguish, self loathing, name anything that captures the human suffering .zenpostersHelplessness was the only thing that i can feel. However far i think, i couldn’t find my future , however i try to move on, something inside me was dead .That numbness was more painful than anything that i have ever known. It shook my soul to that point that i no longer knew what i am going to do . It never gave me a chance to get my life back to normal. I never thought that i will ever become something like that. I used to wonder at other people going out of touch but never fancied it for myself. But when it came, it came as large storm uprooting my senses and judgement and life along with it.

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My stint with depression

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Ten years flown by like a bad dream or like lying in a hospital after a serious road accident , that’s how I feel like about those years of depression, unbelievable!! Just unbelievable . First thing that pops up in the mind is the feeling of guilt about wasting the time .Times which  could have been used for making life good, but lost in the whirlwind of great agony and pain and self loathing. It’s difficult to come in terms with the the loss of ones life time when the cause of it is oneself and oneself only. The time stops when we are not again motivated to travel through the time and is much focused on the present and feels impotent to control it and pain that one feels of knowing that ones future and present is at jeopardy,yet is only able to stand and stare at it in indifferent numbness. It’s the feeling of pain, and a great sense of loneliness and disconnect and demotivation to fight on in life that makes it difficult to wake up every morning . Time and time is the only cure and good relations which will stand by you and understand you is the only cure . No explanation will ever be sufficient to fully express ones feeling through this period.Only way is to do what you like and pave your own way out of it.It is a lonely journey but sometimes there is no choice . It’s a journey of our mind through the time to get out of its own shackles…

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